Lizbianism

Tonight is the premiere of the final season of "30 Rock," my absolute favorite show.  I love everything about it.  If you don't like "30 Rock," I don't want to say I hate you, but I can't see this friendship working out at all and I kind of hate you.

I identify with Tina Fey's Liz Lemon on so many levels.  We're both cripplingly messy writers who make inappropriate jokes and date the wrong guys.  I met a pilot while I had my glasses on, and it took all I had not to tell him we should date so I could go "full Liz Lemon." I texted like nine people when he went to the bathroom.

And I'm proud of that!  My neighbors* couldn't believe I would compare myself to Liz Lemon so willingly.  Or you kidding?  She is the absolute shit.

Through the years of staring at the television, I have identified with other TV characters.

DJ Tanner, Full House: Every girl liked one of the sisters the best. Michelle, the baby, was the most popular. She had an adorable catchphrase, "You got it, dude." She was clearly the favorite child, and got away with being pretty mean to everyone on account of she's so cute you want to squeeze her guts out. The middle sister Stephanie was precocious, and I'll give her catchphrase "How rude!" points for staying power.
But my favorite was DJ.  She was older and cooler.  And then she had a hot boyfriend who was also Aladdin AKA LIVED THE DREAM.

Fran Fine, The Nanny: This show taught me everything I knew about Jewish people until I made my first Jewish friend as a teenager.  I still hang on to the possibility that I marry a wealthy British man, and I facilitate this with short skirts, red lipstick and big, big hair.  Fran was the epitome of discount glamour.

Angelica Pickles, Rugrats: Tommy was obviously too brave and sweet to be me.  I had no illusions of grandeur. Chuckie was a ginger allergic to and scared of everything.  No way.  And only twins could be Phil and Lil.
Then there's Angelica.  She was smart and bad to the bone.
I apologize for nothing.

Clarissa Darling, Clarissa Explains It All: She was the ultimate 90s teenage fashionista.  I tried to position my little brother as the nerdy Ferguson, but unfortunately he proved himself too cool pretty early on.  One bone to pick with Clarissa - thanks to her, I assumed it was customary for cute boys to come in the window via ladder to hang out.**

The entire Bundy family, Married... With Children: I'm a pretty good amalgamation of the whole Bundy clan. Al, the thankless leader. Peg, lazy and glamourous. Bud, witty and conniving. Kelly, everyone's favorite slut.

Christine Campbell, The New Adventures of Old Christine: This is one of those shows that they play in syndication on every channel, so I'm pretty impressed if you managed to come this far without seeing it.  Julia Louis-Dreyfus plays Christine, a needy, inept, hilarious divorcee who hates cleaning and loves wine.  She lives with her younger brother who has his own slew of emotional problems.  I tell my brother that this is going to be us in the future.  He does not like when I say that.

So thank you, "30 Rock."  I will always love you.  This post took my hours because I got distracted watching "30 Rock" clips.

Lemon out.

*I live next door to two awesome dudes that bring me home leftover food from their office and take care of me.  They're my two dads, and I'm their Cosmo Kramer.
**This is not an invitation.  I will call the police.